New people every day

Today I learned that you can always meet new people no matter where you go. Even if you think you already know all of the people in your course/job (or at least their faces), you can start a conversation with one of the random people and possibly make a new friend. People seem to love me. This morning I met an interesting guy who was sitting next to me in my seminar. A couple of hours later, I started a conversation with a girl from my other seminar before the seminar started. We nearly missed the beginning of our seminar because we were so distracted by our conversation. When I entered the room and sat down, the guy I usually sit next to (not this time because I didn’t see him) immediately said hi to me and ignored the girl I had talked to earlier. As soon as the seminar ended he started a conversation with me and walked me home which was really sweet of him. Everyone thinks he’s interested in me and I think so too, but I don’t think he’ll ask me out. He seems to be shy and outgoing at the same time. It’s so weird. He’s friends with my friends but I’ve never seen him talk to my friends… I will have to talk to my bestie about this. Anyways, I don’t want a boyfriend right now and we’re all condemned to be alone and that’s what I want to be right now: alone. I don’t want to be in a relationship. The perfect relationship for me is the non-relationship-relationship Netflix-guy and I have. He gives me his Netflix, but I’m not forced to talk to him or go out with him. I make small talk with him once a month and that’s it. Perfection. 100% advantages and 0% obligations. Now I’m going to continue watching Netflix and eating chocolate. Who needs humans anyways?

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

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Valentine’s tunes

It’s Valentine’s Day. I’m not overly excited about it. I could have had a date today, but I’m not the kind of girl who goes out with anyone just because she doesn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day. In fact, three different guys asked me out and I turned all of them down. I spent my day playing the piano, watching Netflix and eating lots of chocolate. Sounds really productive to me. Plus my bestie bought me chocolate yesterday so that’s at least something. I feel like I’m slowly turning into someone who’s way too cool to be me. I mean, I’ve always been cool in my eyes, but now I’m cool in other people’s eyes. To be fair, when I casually mentioned that I met J.K. Rowling, Nicole Kidman and Emma Stone, my friends were all impressed and made a big deal out of it. The truth is, it’s not a big deal to me. I feel like meeting celebrities is part of my life now and it always will be. My real passion is acting. I can finally admit it. Being in front of a camera and creating art is what I want to do with my life. This week is my film week because I’m filming almost all week. Tomorrow is my first day on set and I’m already excited since I’m the lead actress. I’d like to think I’m good at what I’m doing because I’m so passionate about it, but the opinion of others matters more to me. I could think I’m really good at something when in reality everyone else thinks I suck at it. Then again, if you enjoy what you’re doing, you shouldn’t let anyone keep you from doing it just because they think you’re not good at it. I don’t think I’ll ever be as famous as Nicole Kidman, but at least I can try and be as good at acting as she is. Tomorrow will be my time to prove that I was born to be on screen. I can’t wait!

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

A New Project

What am I doing on this lovely Tuesday night? I’m lying in bed listening to chill jazz music and writing a blog-post. I have a new project, but actually, I’ve been working on it for over a month now so it’s not particularly new. I love and hate talking about my project at the same time. That’s probably why I haven’t mentioned it before. But here’s my new/old project: I want to make a film. A really really good film. A short-film. It took me one day to find a film crew, but I still need some actors. The only problem is that I have to find them within three days because we’re going to film next week. If I can’t find any actors, there will be no film. That’s why I’m kind of stressed out right now. This project means the world to me. It’s my baby. And I’d be extremely disappointed if it died. Please, baby, don’t die!!! I had an interview with a possible actor for the male part in the film this morning. He didn’t even have a showreel. I’m not sure if I’ll hire him, but if I can’t find a good replacement, I will have to choose him. I messaged another of my actor-friends, but he hasn’t replied yet. If he says he can do it, then I will go for him. Why is it so hard to find good actors nowadays? I need to work with professionals. Anyhow, I will keep you updated.

To be honest, there’s not really  much I can talk about right now because I’m simply so bored. Maybe I’m missing the drama. I need drama in my life, but too much drama is deadly. I should stay away from any kind of drama, but for some reason I’m drawn to it. I can’t live without any exciting things happening in my life. I feel like this weekend will be the worst and best weekend I ever had. It will definitely be exciting, but also dangerous.

Quick update: I just found an actress for my film! Now I only need one more actor. Woo!

Also, the guy who asked me out asked me why I told him that I don’t want to see him on Valentine’s Day any longer. I have no idea what to say now. Apparently, he thought I changed my mind because I was upset. That wasn’t the case though. I told him I don’t want to date anyone at the moment. I should really stay away from all the drama for a while…

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

Punishment of life

I already knew something bad was going to happen, but I never could’ve imagined how bad it would actually be. I lost three of my friends. Then again, it’s no loss when your so-called “friends” turn out to be the worst people you can imagine. But here’s the full story:

Characters:

X: Friend who was in love with me; my stalker; friend/foe/housemate of Y and Z.

Y: Friend who pretended not to be interested in me and then asked me out; friend/foe/housemate of X and Z.

Z: Friend who pretended to be my friend; really bad person; friend/foe/housemate of X and Y.

Now that you’re acquainted with the characters, I’ll try to explain everything. I’m not interested in X, Y and Z. X wanted to hangout with me 24/7. He was really clingy, persistent and annoying. Then again, I knew I could always count on him. I knew he had feelings for me, but he never told me and hence I pretended not to notice his feelings because we were friends – past-tense! X wanted to see me and I told him I needed a break. We weren’t even in a relationship and I already wanted a break. That says a lot about him as a person. Y spontaneously asked me to hangout with him and I said yes because we’re friends. We went for a walk and talked and that’s it. Z and Y are mad at X for a stupid reason and that’s why Z told X that Y and I were seeing each other in secret and X got really mad and paranoid. Z kept spreading lies and Y found it funny that X thought Y and I were in a relationship. X threatened me and Y and he got really upset. I told Y how X stalked me and Y told Z. I thought I could trust Y and Z, but I couldn’t. I got really mad at X because I had no idea that Z was spreading lies about me and Y. After the big argument, Y asked me to go out with him on Valentine’s Day and I said “why not?” because I was tired and wanted to got to sleep, but the next day I told him I don’t want to go out with him or see him again. Then X told me everything Z said and I told Y and X that I need my space and that I don’t want to seem them for at least a week. Now I hate Z and I dislike Y and X. X and I were the real victims though.

I told everything that happened my parents, my best friend and my other good friends. They all supported me. This little episode in my life made me realise once again how important it is to have people in your life you can trust and who support you no matter what. I thought X, Y and Z were these kind of people. I was wrong. In the end, you shouldn’t trust anyone but yourself. I will try to be more reserved and mysterious from now on. I have a new goal in life: be more successful than the people I despise. I want to prove them that I don’t need them in my life. I don’t need people who spread lies about me and involve me in dangerous situations. Those kind of people are the worst and to be honest, they deserve to burn in hell. But I’m sure they will manage to destroy themselves somehow. I want to hurt them. But since I’m a pacifist, I’m not going to hurt them physically. The only other way to hurt them is by being more successful than them. I’m going to prove myself that I’m better than them. And I will start tomorrow.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

How to be a better person

I am a terrible person.  I hurt someone’s feelings and in doing so I hurt my own feelings. I’m a manipulative and narcissistic bitch who only cares about herself. I’m worse than Blair Waldorf, Hitler and Trump altogether. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. Sometimes I’m oblivious to the consequences of my actions. Most of the time, actually. My friends don’t think that I’m a bad person, but it’s enough that I think I’m a bad person. My bestie told me I’m one of the best people he knows and that I’ve helped him so many times. My friends think I’m a good person. But I’m not. Or am I? To answer that question, I’d have to analyse the philosophical concept of a good person. What makes a person a good person? All I know is that a good person would never ever do what I’ve done. I was making fun of the guy who was in love with me. I was making fun of him with his friends. Ex-friends. They don’t talk to him any longer, but that wasn’t my fault. Or at least that’s what they told me. I’m a member of their group and he’s not. No longer. He’s no longer a member of MY group. It’s sad and I wish things would’ve turned out differently, but it is how it is and you can’t erase history. I’m just glad I’m not a politician because I screw up all the time. I wouldn’t be able to lead a country. I need something new to focus on, but I don’t want it to be my work. I’m a massive procrastinator – especially when I’m not feeling well. I just wish I could make things right. I don’t want anyone to be upset because of me. I’m talented, smart and pretty – a poisonous combination. At the same time, I’m extremely insecure. I always need people to tell me how great I am. I need to surround myself with people who admire me and my creative spirit. I do sound like a bad person, don’t I? Life will punish me now. I won’t get VIP tickets to anything anymore, my cats will die, my whole family will die, I will get murdered and all my friends will burn in a fire. That’s my future. What would be worse: dying or everyone hating you? I feel like the latter would kill me inside. I want people to love me. Admire me. Envy me. Value me. But do I actually deserve it? How can someone love me when I’m such a nasty person? I’m trying to be a better person. I’m trying to be a person who deserves to be admired. I don’t think I currently deserve to be anything good. Then again, life is short so I shouldn’t punish myself. I want to be a good person. I’ll try my best to become the person I want to be from now on. I’ll try my best to fulfill my dreams. When you have a dream you should do anything possible to try and fulfill it. That’s what I’m going to do. I will work hard for the things I want. I have good friends and apparently I’m a good friend. Having friends is so important in life. They’re the people you can rely on no matter what.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Heartbreaker

I’m trying very hard to be optimistic right now. But too much optimism kills people. You should know by now that I’m a princess bitch. I get everything I want. Almost everything. There are some things you cannot buy. Like my love. No one can buy my love. I’ve never been in love. I’m not au fait with this sensation. It’s kinda sad that the only creature I loved in this world was my cat and he died. I’ve always been a narcissist though. I’m extremely obsessed with my looks and I’m currently ugly af and I don’t know how to change that. I’m the insecure kind of narcissist. I sometimes think I look great and the next day I continue saying I’m ugly and no one will ever love me. By “no one will ever love me” I mean that I will never find someone who accepts me the way I am and who genuinely loves me and who I love back. I don’t think I could love someone back. I’ve been in relationships, but I’ve never been in love. It was always just a crush. Sometimes a massive crush. A brief romance. Guys tend to fall for me so easily. I don’t even know why. I mean I know I’m fucking awesome and I look good when I’m wearing nice makeup and fancy clothes, but the insecure part of me thinks I’m fat, ugly, and not very attractive overall. I feel like I look cute and innocent without any makeup on. Then again, I look cute and innocent in general. Guys want to help girls like me. They want to spend time with me. The guy I thought I liked wanted to spend 24/7 with me. He was extremely clingy and now I got rid of him. That sounds very harsh, but it’s the truth. Now we’ve come to the tricky bit: his housemate is one of my friends and he wants to hangout with me in their house so there’s a 99% chance that I’ll see him too. It could be awkward, but it’s only awkward when you make it awkward and I’m not trying to make it awkward. Also, I went to see La la land with my bestie last week and I loved it. All of my film students friends hate it though so I don’t know what to think. The soundtrack is amazing and whenever I listen to it, I feel a thousand times better. It’s really inspiring. Me and my bestie are going to The Great Gatsby Party in London this weekend. I can’t wait! I hope it will be as cool as it sounds. But I guess there will only be lots of old people. Who knows? It definitely sounds amazing. Now I have an excuse to buy new clothes/accessories. I will definitely enjoy my weekend!

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Does fate exist?

If someone were to ask me: “What are you up to?” The first thing coming to my mind would be this: “I’m up to no good.” And the second – yet similarly honest – reply would be: “Breaking a guys heart, gossiping with my bestie, trying to get VIP tickets to the BAFTA’s, and wondering which London Fashion Show ticket to buy. The usual, you know?

The thing is, most people have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m living the dream. But is it my dream? Most of my friends think my life sounds like a movie and, to be honest, my life sounds like a movie I’d definitely want to watch. It would be very entertaining. Seeing me running around London, meeting celebrities, chilling in my castle, going to concerts, writing songs, celebrating the Chinese New Year in London with a guy who’s in love with me, breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me, ordering Chinese food with my bestie and talking about me breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me. Sounds like a good story, don’t you think? I feel like thousands of teen girls would want to watch the story of my current life if it was a TV series. Netflix, if you’re reading this please get in touch because I don’t think you’d want to miss out on this amazing story – no kidding. I’ve been thinking a lot about two things lately: my future and fate. I came to realise that most of my friends or even most people in the world will never have what I have now. They will have their own adventures, their own stories, their own experiences, but they’ll never experience the things that are happening to me right now. Some Chinese guy gave me a 10 pence coin for good luck yesterday. Frankly, I could need a lot of good luck right now. I wish all of my dreams came true. But if my life right now is the dream of most people, then what is MY dream? I know exactly what my dream is, but I’m simply too scared to say it out loud. No one knows what my dream is apart from me and I’m trying to ignore it, but deep down I know that I cannot ignore my destiny. My fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that lots of good things have happened to me, but, likewise, a few really bad things have happened to me. For instance, a terrible thing happened to me two months ago and I still remember my bestie telling me that I’ve earned a lot of good karma and that good things will happen to me in the future. He was right – partly. Some good things happened to me this month, but also some minor bad things. I just wish I could use my good karma to get everything I want. But that’s not how the world works. The world can be a cruel place sometimes. And then I walk through the streets of London and feel like everything’s great again because even a bad day in London is a thousand times better than a good day anywhere else. I know I can’t ignore my big dream any longer. But what if fulfilling my dream isn’t my fate? What if I end up being one of those grandmothers who tell their grandchildren about all the opportunities they’ve missed and everything they wanted to do when they were young, but now are too old for? Then again, who am I kidding? I won’t have any grandchildren. I’ll just have a bunch of cats and I’ll be the crazy cat lady who’s forever alone and couldn’t fulfill her dream. Sad story. Will I ever find the courage to openly tell people what my real dream is? Most people think the life I’m living now is my big dream, but it isn’t. To be fair, it is part of my big dream, but it’ll still take me many years to actually fulfill my dream – that is if it happens at all. I’m too scared to tell people about my dream or even to admit to myself that this is my dream because I don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out – and it most certainly won’t work out. I’m trying to save myself from getting disappointed, from being completely crushed, from rethinking my whole life. Then there’s this little voice in my head shouting “Oscars!” on repeat. An actress once said in her speech at the Oscars that she’s been practicing this speech with a hairbrush in her bathroom since she was a little girl and she’d never thought this moment would actually come. Do you think the little girl actually knew what her future was going to be like? Do you think she knew her fate? Or was it just a coincidence? Just because I didn’t practice my speech for the Oscars with a hairbrush in my bathroom when I was a little girl doesn’t mean that I’ll never win an Oscar. It is highly unlikely, but who knows, maybe with a little help from the universe it will actually happen. According to Aristotle, in order to reach eudaimonia (Greek for happiness) every men (or woman) has to make their biggest talent their occupation. Although, sometimes it’s hard to find out what your biggest talent is. Especially when you’re multi-talented like me. But maybe I should just give it a try and accept the risk of it turning out to be a complete failure. At least I won’t have to wonder what could’ve been if I had done the “scary” thing. There’s only one way to find out what’s going to happen if I actually try to fulfill my dream: I’ll just have to do it. I WILL DO IT. I will do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Magic in London

London is my favourite city in the world. There’s something magical about London. Walking around London at night is one of the most amazing things ever. Especially when you meet celebrities. But seeing the river Thames and all of the city lights at night is very beautiful. I believe anything is possible in London. Just being in London automatically makes me feel more confident. I feel happy, free and brave. I feel like i can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. I mean, people can try, but they’ll fail. The mere fact that a place like London exists is a reason to be happy. I never want to leave London. It always makes me wanna scream “Hello world, this is me and no one can stop me!”.  Driving through London and listening to “Elenore – The Turtles” is perfect. There are so many things you can do in London. So many opportunities that are waiting for you to take them.

I have a feeling that tomorrow is gonna be a good day. I’ll simply make it a good day. I’m gonna curl my hair and dress up nicely and be happy and enjoy every minute of it. I don’t even know why I’m so happy right now, but I just am. I’m gonna try my best to figure out what I really want and once I’ve done that, it’ll be easy to make a plan to reach my goal. But often the one thing you seem to want turns out to be the thing you can’t get. London has taught me one thing: never give up. I certainly will never give up. I’ll fight for the things I want. I know this is a short blog-post, but that’s all I wanted to say.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

New resolutions

New Year – new me!

I’m having a hot chocolate with marshmallows whilst listening to Gorillaz – On Melancholy Hill at the moment. Life is good right now. I have a feeling 2017 is going to change my life forever. 2016 was really life-changing, but I think 2017 can outdo 2016. I want to focus on my career from now on. The subjects I’m currently studying might be interesting and they certainly impress anyone I’m telling what my course is about, but is this really what I want to do with my life? I definitely don’t want to become a teacher. I want to be someone important. Someone who inspires people. Someone who makes a difference. I want to create art. I have finally found people who understand me. People who actually create art. People who study the course I wanted to study. Then again, I’m not even sure if I had enjoyed studying it that much. You don’t have to study art to be an artist. No one can teach you how to be a good artist, film-maker, actor/actress, singer, musician etc. They can only teach you how to master the craft, but no one in the world can teach you how to be talented. Talent is something only a few special people have. It can be increased with the right education, but talent is something you’re born with or not. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a multi-talented human being who chose to hide her talent. I’m a singer, songwriter, actress, musician, writer, dancer, and artist, but no one knows I’m all of these things. I chose to stay in the dark. I’m not good at performing in front of people. I mean, I’m good at acting and I love being in front of the camera, but acting is following a script and making it your own piece of art. Singing my own songs or letting people read the books and stories I’ve written is something completely different. It’s something personal, which I prefer not sharing with anyone. Apart from some special people. I’ve come to realise that I shouldn’t hide my talents. Hiding your talents is wasting them and why would you choose to HIDE something you’re gifted with??? From now on – I swear by my life – I will stop hiding my talents and instead try my best to use them to get the career I want. 2017 will be good. Even greater than 2016! I am very determined. I have good friends. People who value my opinion and care about me as a person. People who think I’m good at creating art. People I don’t want to miss in my life. Ever.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Melancholy calls…

I feel strange. I mean technically, I always feel strange, but that’s just me.

He wanted to see me. But I didn’t want to see him.

He wanted to spend time with me. But I didn’t want to spend time with him.

I know that one day I’ll want to see him and he won’t want to see me any longer. I miss him right now…

Maybe that’s just because I’m listening to melancholic piano music. I should stop doing that immediately. I know my blog-posts suck lately, but there’s not much I’d want to write about. Sometimes I want to be with him and sometimes I don’t. Perhaps it’s because he’s too clingy, but being too clingy can be cute. I wish my life was a dream. I could do whatever I want. Be happy 24/7. Sometimes I wish I could do something with him just the two of us, but then I get scared and cancel all of our plans. Why do I keep doing this? I like him and he likes me. Why am I making things more complicated than they really are??? To be honest, I’m mean, self-absorbed, narcissistic and cunning. He’s the sweetest guy ever and I can’t deal with sweetness. Too much sweetness can suffocate me.

I SHOULD FOCUS ON MY WORK.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to STOP PROCRASTINATING. Didn’t quite work out yet… I swear I’ll be productive this week! I’ll work out at least 15 minutes a day and I’ll study at least 45 minutes a day from now on. And I’ll try to be a nicer person. I should stop being an evil bitch sometimes. I don’t wanna be the villain in my story. Or in his story. I wanna be the princess. Not the princess bitch.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo