Punishment of life

I already knew something bad was going to happen, but I never could’ve imagined how bad it would actually be. I lost three of my friends. Then again, it’s no loss when your so-called “friends” turn out to be the worst people you can imagine. But here’s the full story:

Characters:

X: Friend who was in love with me; my stalker; friend/foe/housemate of Y and Z.

Y: Friend who pretended not to be interested in me and then asked me out; friend/foe/housemate of X and Z.

Z: Friend who pretended to be my friend; really bad person; friend/foe/housemate of X and Y.

Now that you’re acquainted with the characters, I’ll try to explain everything. I’m not interested in X, Y and Z. X wanted to hangout with me 24/7. He was really clingy, persistent and annoying. Then again, I knew I could always count on him. I knew he had feelings for me, but he never told me and hence I pretended not to notice his feelings because we were friends – past-tense! X wanted to see me and I told him I needed a break. We weren’t even in a relationship and I already wanted a break. That says a lot about him as a person. Y spontaneously asked me to hangout with him and I said yes because we’re friends. We went for a walk and talked and that’s it. Z and Y are mad at X for a stupid reason and that’s why Z told X that Y and I were seeing each other in secret and X got really mad and paranoid. Z kept spreading lies and Y found it funny that X thought Y and I were in a relationship. X threatened me and Y and he got really upset. I told Y how X stalked me and Y told Z. I thought I could trust Y and Z, but I couldn’t. I got really mad at X because I had no idea that Z was spreading lies about me and Y. After the big argument, Y asked me to go out with him on Valentine’s Day and I said “why not?” because I was tired and wanted to got to sleep, but the next day I told him I don’t want to go out with him or see him again. Then X told me everything Z said and I told Y and X that I need my space and that I don’t want to seem them for at least a week. Now I hate Z and I dislike Y and X. X and I were the real victims though.

I told everything that happened my parents, my best friend and my other good friends. They all supported me. This little episode in my life made me realise once again how important it is to have people in your life you can trust and who support you no matter what. I thought X, Y and Z were these kind of people. I was wrong. In the end, you shouldn’t trust anyone but yourself. I will try to be more reserved and mysterious from now on. I have a new goal in life: be more successful than the people I despise. I want to prove them that I don’t need them in my life. I don’t need people who spread lies about me and involve me in dangerous situations. Those kind of people are the worst and to be honest, they deserve to burn in hell. But I’m sure they will manage to destroy themselves somehow. I want to hurt them. But since I’m a pacifist, I’m not going to hurt them physically. The only other way to hurt them is by being more successful than them. I’m going to prove myself that I’m better than them. And I will start tomorrow.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

Does fate exist?

If someone were to ask me: “What are you up to?” The first thing coming to my mind would be this: “I’m up to no good.” And the second – yet similarly honest – reply would be: “Breaking a guys heart, gossiping with my bestie, trying to get VIP tickets to the BAFTA’s, and wondering which London Fashion Show ticket to buy. The usual, you know?

The thing is, most people have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m living the dream. But is it my dream? Most of my friends think my life sounds like a movie and, to be honest, my life sounds like a movie I’d definitely want to watch. It would be very entertaining. Seeing me running around London, meeting celebrities, chilling in my castle, going to concerts, writing songs, celebrating the Chinese New Year in London with a guy who’s in love with me, breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me, ordering Chinese food with my bestie and talking about me breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me. Sounds like a good story, don’t you think? I feel like thousands of teen girls would want to watch the story of my current life if it was a TV series. Netflix, if you’re reading this please get in touch because I don’t think you’d want to miss out on this amazing story – no kidding. I’ve been thinking a lot about two things lately: my future and fate. I came to realise that most of my friends or even most people in the world will never have what I have now. They will have their own adventures, their own stories, their own experiences, but they’ll never experience the things that are happening to me right now. Some Chinese guy gave me a 10 pence coin for good luck yesterday. Frankly, I could need a lot of good luck right now. I wish all of my dreams came true. But if my life right now is the dream of most people, then what is MY dream? I know exactly what my dream is, but I’m simply too scared to say it out loud. No one knows what my dream is apart from me and I’m trying to ignore it, but deep down I know that I cannot ignore my destiny. My fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that lots of good things have happened to me, but, likewise, a few really bad things have happened to me. For instance, a terrible thing happened to me two months ago and I still remember my bestie telling me that I’ve earned a lot of good karma and that good things will happen to me in the future. He was right – partly. Some good things happened to me this month, but also some minor bad things. I just wish I could use my good karma to get everything I want. But that’s not how the world works. The world can be a cruel place sometimes. And then I walk through the streets of London and feel like everything’s great again because even a bad day in London is a thousand times better than a good day anywhere else. I know I can’t ignore my big dream any longer. But what if fulfilling my dream isn’t my fate? What if I end up being one of those grandmothers who tell their grandchildren about all the opportunities they’ve missed and everything they wanted to do when they were young, but now are too old for? Then again, who am I kidding? I won’t have any grandchildren. I’ll just have a bunch of cats and I’ll be the crazy cat lady who’s forever alone and couldn’t fulfill her dream. Sad story. Will I ever find the courage to openly tell people what my real dream is? Most people think the life I’m living now is my big dream, but it isn’t. To be fair, it is part of my big dream, but it’ll still take me many years to actually fulfill my dream – that is if it happens at all. I’m too scared to tell people about my dream or even to admit to myself that this is my dream because I don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out – and it most certainly won’t work out. I’m trying to save myself from getting disappointed, from being completely crushed, from rethinking my whole life. Then there’s this little voice in my head shouting “Oscars!” on repeat. An actress once said in her speech at the Oscars that she’s been practicing this speech with a hairbrush in her bathroom since she was a little girl and she’d never thought this moment would actually come. Do you think the little girl actually knew what her future was going to be like? Do you think she knew her fate? Or was it just a coincidence? Just because I didn’t practice my speech for the Oscars with a hairbrush in my bathroom when I was a little girl doesn’t mean that I’ll never win an Oscar. It is highly unlikely, but who knows, maybe with a little help from the universe it will actually happen. According to Aristotle, in order to reach eudaimonia (Greek for happiness) every men (or woman) has to make their biggest talent their occupation. Although, sometimes it’s hard to find out what your biggest talent is. Especially when you’re multi-talented like me. But maybe I should just give it a try and accept the risk of it turning out to be a complete failure. At least I won’t have to wonder what could’ve been if I had done the “scary” thing. There’s only one way to find out what’s going to happen if I actually try to fulfill my dream: I’ll just have to do it. I WILL DO IT. I will do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Embracing procrastination

I have to admit that I’m a serious procrastinator. If I got paid for procrastinating, I’d be a billionaire by now. Maybe in a parallel universe people actually get paid for procrastinating and watching Netflix all day and the hard-working productive people are sent to prison because they don’t care about the no-work-policy of this alternative universe. But I want to be honest with you: I only started writing this blog-post because – please don’t be surprised – I’m procrastinating right now. This is a serious problem and apparently, scientists have discovered that there actually is a procrastination-gene. Lucky me! I decided to embrace my procrastination-gene because watching a whole season of a TV-series in a day definitely is considered to be productive. In my world at least. I’m currently sitting in bed with my laptop writing this blog-post and listening to Franz Ferdinand – Take me out. One thing you should know about me by now is that I’m always listening to music. As long as there is music in the world, I couldn’t possibly be unhappy. Music is art and the existence of art is a reason to be happy. People who don’t like the art you create aren’t necessarily a reason to be unhappy. They simply are stupid. Unless you’re a really bad artist. But assuming you wrote a song/book/story/script/poem/etc. and 2 out of 20 people tell you they don’t like it, then there’s a high chance that the remaining 18 people, who think your piece of art is incredible, are right. You shouldn’t listen to those 2 people who try to bring you down. Listen to your heart. As long as you like what you’ve created, nothing else matters. And I like what I have created. I am going to make an even better piece of art with the help of some of my friends. Creating art instead of doing what you’re supposed to do certainly is being productive. I can only hope everything works out the way I want it to. I believe I can make it happen and as long as I’m confident enough, I can actually make it happen. And so can you! Be confident and always leave your room with a smile in the morning. Pretending to be happy actually makes you feel happier. I believe the universe has a reason for everything, but we sometimes can’t see what that reason is. In the end everything turns out well and if it doesn’t, it’s not the end.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

New resolutions

New Year – new me!

I’m having a hot chocolate with marshmallows whilst listening to Gorillaz – On Melancholy Hill at the moment. Life is good right now. I have a feeling 2017 is going to change my life forever. 2016 was really life-changing, but I think 2017 can outdo 2016. I want to focus on my career from now on. The subjects I’m currently studying might be interesting and they certainly impress anyone I’m telling what my course is about, but is this really what I want to do with my life? I definitely don’t want to become a teacher. I want to be someone important. Someone who inspires people. Someone who makes a difference. I want to create art. I have finally found people who understand me. People who actually create art. People who study the course I wanted to study. Then again, I’m not even sure if I had enjoyed studying it that much. You don’t have to study art to be an artist. No one can teach you how to be a good artist, film-maker, actor/actress, singer, musician etc. They can only teach you how to master the craft, but no one in the world can teach you how to be talented. Talent is something only a few special people have. It can be increased with the right education, but talent is something you’re born with or not. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a multi-talented human being who chose to hide her talent. I’m a singer, songwriter, actress, musician, writer, dancer, and artist, but no one knows I’m all of these things. I chose to stay in the dark. I’m not good at performing in front of people. I mean, I’m good at acting and I love being in front of the camera, but acting is following a script and making it your own piece of art. Singing my own songs or letting people read the books and stories I’ve written is something completely different. It’s something personal, which I prefer not sharing with anyone. Apart from some special people. I’ve come to realise that I shouldn’t hide my talents. Hiding your talents is wasting them and why would you choose to HIDE something you’re gifted with??? From now on – I swear by my life – I will stop hiding my talents and instead try my best to use them to get the career I want. 2017 will be good. Even greater than 2016! I am very determined. I have good friends. People who value my opinion and care about me as a person. People who think I’m good at creating art. People I don’t want to miss in my life. Ever.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

A motivational note

I can’t describe how I feel so I’m desperately trying to find a song that can…

I just want to find a person who sees all of the positive things in me that I see in myself.

Does it really matter what other people think of you as long as you think you’re awesome?

I’m proud to say that I think I’m awesome.

People who tell you otherwise are jealous of you for you have something they don’t: confidence.

Don’t let anyone ever destroy your confidence.

Confidence is the key to happiness.

How can you be happy if you’re not confident about your mind and body?

When you’ve finally discovered how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how brave you can be, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about you.

You KNOW you’re the best person you can be.

People will love you if you just be yourself.

Don’t be fake.

Be who you really are.

Don’t hide your talents.

Life is too short so do not waste it worrying about what other people think of you.

No one can ever be like you.

You are unique.

You are special.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

Chocolate, films and stolen kisses

Last night was magical.

I was really happy because I made plans with film-guy and my bestie came over at around 11pm so I told him about film-guy. But instead of being happy for me, he got jealous and said that film-guy sounds like he’s gay (now I’m worried that he really is gay because he’s too nice to be straight). Then again, my bestie is straight and he’s really nice and funny as well. I get along with the best friend kind of guy. Suitor number 1 isn’t like that. He doesn’t even wanna see me any longer so why shouldn’t I start looking for a new person to fall in love with? I wasn’t even in love with SN1. I have to admit that I had a crush on my bestie at some point. I’m just not sure if he’s the right guy for me. He seems to be the only person who can read me like a book. He always knows what I’m thinking and when I’m lying. No one else knows that. Maybe I should’ve let him kiss me last night… He was trying very hard. But I told him it wasn’t the right moment so he just gave me a kiss on the cheek, forehead and hand. He told me that he wanted to date me from the first moment he saw me, which made me feel happy, but now I’m worried that he’s expecting us to date. I haven’t talked to him since last night and tonight I’m having a film-date with film-guy. I don’t even know if it’s a real date. It’s definitely not a date if he turns out to be gay… It seems like my gay-radar is broken. But why else would he want to see me every day for the next week to watch all of the Harry Potter films with me???

This morning was one of the best mornings in ages.

I had a nice relaxing bath in my castle and ate freshly made mousse au chocolate in bed whilst watching a TV-series. Now I’m cuddled up in bed, enjoying the rain outside, and listening to Cage The Elephant. By the way, remember that I wanted to form a band? I found a guitarist, a bassist and a vocalist and I’m a singer and pianist so I basically have my band. We haven’t met up yet, but we will soon. Then we can jam together, write songs and cool music stuff like that. I’ve always wanted to be part of a rock-band and now I have my own. This only proves that you shouldn’t let your dreams be dreams. MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. That’s what I’m trying to do. Embrace every single opportunity! If I hadn’t agreed to take part in the quiz show, I never would’ve met film-guy. If I hadn’t tried to find band-members, I never would’ve formed a real band. If you really want something in life then try your very best to achieve it! I’m sure you will succeed if you try. And even if you fail, you can still say that you’ve tried and that’s the best you can do.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

New Start – New Me

I’m gonna form a band. It may sound crazy, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and now I finally want to try and find people to actually do it. I’m a singer. Songwriter. Pianist. A friend told me not to waste my talent because I’m too shy to perform in front of people, but now I feel like I could do it. I just need to find some awesome band members, but that should be easy in a city as great as London. A city full of aspiring, young artists.

Right now I’m listening to Cage The Elephant – Cigarette Daydreams. Such a good song! I don’t know why, but I immediately feel better whenever I listen to it. Music is so important in my life. I couldn’t live without it. Having my own band would be a dream come true and if you want your dreams to come true, you have to MAKE them come true. So that is exactly what I’m trying to do from now on. Live my life to the fullest. Don’t waste a second. Do what I want (as long as I don’t hurt anyone).

This weekend will be awesome because I’ll simply make it awesome. I’m really optimistic right now and I have no idea what happened because I was really upset yesterday. I realised that being upset doesn’t change a thing so instead I try to be happy and enjoy life. And so should you! Do something you’ve always wanted to do! That’s the best way to feel alive. I can’t wait for tomorrow, but first of all, I have to live tonight…

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

A Brand New Start

Who am I? And how many?

I’ve just asked my friend to describe me in three words.

That’s what he said: Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

And after that: JK. Faithful. Smart. Innocent/naive. 

To be honest, he’s right. I can be a real bitch sometimes. I also am faithful and smart, but am I really naive? It’s not like I’d take apples from old scary looking witches or chocolate from a pedophile. But since people tend to mistake me for the-nice-girl-next-door, I guess the latter is justified. The way we perceive ourselves often turns out to be completely different from the way other people perceive us. Having survived my exam today, I thought it might be the right time for a brand new start. No kidding – I probably failed, but seriously: how could I, the Queen of procrastination and laziness, have passed? Perhaps with the help of Fortuna, but now it’s too late for that anyways. I shouldn’t dwell on things that happened in the past because that’s exactly what they are: THE PAST. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. The perfect day for a brand new start (naturally, with brand new clothes to celebrate!). Another friend described me as “fascinating, beautiful and difficult”. I’m wondering why he thinks I’m difficult, but maybe by difficult he means complex. Hopefully. Because my personality is complex indeed and therefore difficult to understand if that makes any sense. That might sound a bit too self-confident, but I already knew that I’m fascinating and beautiful. People compliment me every day. Especially suitor number 1… If I had a heart, I would definitely feel sorry for all of the mean things I wrote about him in my blog. But to be honest, he kinda deserved it and I know you guys can keep a secret. That’s how my best friend described my personality: “Dark humour, narcissistic, excitable” and I told him “dark humour” doesn’t count because it’s two words and he said “But it needs four words, your personality is just so big” so I guess I can make an exception. But only because we’re besties – just to make that clear.

Anyhow, I vow that I will try to study more and procrastinate less from now on. I even created a study-plan so I hope I can stick to it. Another weird thing about me is that I have lists for almost everything. This is my pathetic try to be organised but it hasn’t worked yet. But since I’m an optimistic person – sometimes at least – I am sure tomorrow will be the day I actually start to be organised and productive. And so should you! Stop spending your day doing useless stuff like eating, sleeping and breathing because all of that together is the evil source of procrastination. Sleep is for the weak anyways! I’m just kidding, but seriously, get your shit together and be productive. I’m partly talking to myself, partly to you, that one person who’s actually reading my pathetic little blog. Tomorrow will be great. I can feel it.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo