A New Project

What am I doing on this lovely Tuesday night? I’m lying in bed listening to chill jazz music and writing a blog-post. I have a new project, but actually, I’ve been working on it for over a month now so it’s not particularly new. I love and hate talking about my project at the same time. That’s probably why I haven’t mentioned it before. But here’s my new/old project: I want to make a film. A really really good film. A short-film. It took me one day to find a film crew, but I still need some actors. The only problem is that I have to find them within three days because we’re going to film next week. If I can’t find any actors, there will be no film. That’s why I’m kind of stressed out right now. This project means the world to me. It’s my baby. And I’d be extremely disappointed if it died. Please, baby, don’t die!!! I had an interview with a possible actor for the male part in the film this morning. He didn’t even have a showreel. I’m not sure if I’ll hire him, but if I can’t find a good replacement, I will have to choose him. I messaged another of my actor-friends, but he hasn’t replied yet. If he says he can do it, then I will go for him. Why is it so hard to find good actors nowadays? I need to work with professionals. Anyhow, I will keep you updated.

To be honest, there’s not really  much I can talk about right now because I’m simply so bored. Maybe I’m missing the drama. I need drama in my life, but too much drama is deadly. I should stay away from any kind of drama, but for some reason I’m drawn to it. I can’t live without any exciting things happening in my life. I feel like this weekend will be the worst and best weekend I ever had. It will definitely be exciting, but also dangerous.

Quick update: I just found an actress for my film! Now I only need one more actor. Woo!

Also, the guy who asked me out asked me why I told him that I don’t want to see him on Valentine’s Day any longer. I have no idea what to say now. Apparently, he thought I changed my mind because I was upset. That wasn’t the case though. I told him I don’t want to date anyone at the moment. I should really stay away from all the drama for a while…

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

Punishment of life

I already knew something bad was going to happen, but I never could’ve imagined how bad it would actually be. I lost three of my friends. Then again, it’s no loss when your so-called “friends” turn out to be the worst people you can imagine. But here’s the full story:

Characters:

X: Friend who was in love with me; my stalker; friend/foe/housemate of Y and Z.

Y: Friend who pretended not to be interested in me and then asked me out; friend/foe/housemate of X and Z.

Z: Friend who pretended to be my friend; really bad person; friend/foe/housemate of X and Y.

Now that you’re acquainted with the characters, I’ll try to explain everything. I’m not interested in X, Y and Z. X wanted to hangout with me 24/7. He was really clingy, persistent and annoying. Then again, I knew I could always count on him. I knew he had feelings for me, but he never told me and hence I pretended not to notice his feelings because we were friends – past-tense! X wanted to see me and I told him I needed a break. We weren’t even in a relationship and I already wanted a break. That says a lot about him as a person. Y spontaneously asked me to hangout with him and I said yes because we’re friends. We went for a walk and talked and that’s it. Z and Y are mad at X for a stupid reason and that’s why Z told X that Y and I were seeing each other in secret and X got really mad and paranoid. Z kept spreading lies and Y found it funny that X thought Y and I were in a relationship. X threatened me and Y and he got really upset. I told Y how X stalked me and Y told Z. I thought I could trust Y and Z, but I couldn’t. I got really mad at X because I had no idea that Z was spreading lies about me and Y. After the big argument, Y asked me to go out with him on Valentine’s Day and I said “why not?” because I was tired and wanted to got to sleep, but the next day I told him I don’t want to go out with him or see him again. Then X told me everything Z said and I told Y and X that I need my space and that I don’t want to seem them for at least a week. Now I hate Z and I dislike Y and X. X and I were the real victims though.

I told everything that happened my parents, my best friend and my other good friends. They all supported me. This little episode in my life made me realise once again how important it is to have people in your life you can trust and who support you no matter what. I thought X, Y and Z were these kind of people. I was wrong. In the end, you shouldn’t trust anyone but yourself. I will try to be more reserved and mysterious from now on. I have a new goal in life: be more successful than the people I despise. I want to prove them that I don’t need them in my life. I don’t need people who spread lies about me and involve me in dangerous situations. Those kind of people are the worst and to be honest, they deserve to burn in hell. But I’m sure they will manage to destroy themselves somehow. I want to hurt them. But since I’m a pacifist, I’m not going to hurt them physically. The only other way to hurt them is by being more successful than them. I’m going to prove myself that I’m better than them. And I will start tomorrow.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

How to be a better person

I am a terrible person.  I hurt someone’s feelings and in doing so I hurt my own feelings. I’m a manipulative and narcissistic bitch who only cares about herself. I’m worse than Blair Waldorf, Hitler and Trump altogether. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. Sometimes I’m oblivious to the consequences of my actions. Most of the time, actually. My friends don’t think that I’m a bad person, but it’s enough that I think I’m a bad person. My bestie told me I’m one of the best people he knows and that I’ve helped him so many times. My friends think I’m a good person. But I’m not. Or am I? To answer that question, I’d have to analyse the philosophical concept of a good person. What makes a person a good person? All I know is that a good person would never ever do what I’ve done. I was making fun of the guy who was in love with me. I was making fun of him with his friends. Ex-friends. They don’t talk to him any longer, but that wasn’t my fault. Or at least that’s what they told me. I’m a member of their group and he’s not. No longer. He’s no longer a member of MY group. It’s sad and I wish things would’ve turned out differently, but it is how it is and you can’t erase history. I’m just glad I’m not a politician because I screw up all the time. I wouldn’t be able to lead a country. I need something new to focus on, but I don’t want it to be my work. I’m a massive procrastinator – especially when I’m not feeling well. I just wish I could make things right. I don’t want anyone to be upset because of me. I’m talented, smart and pretty – a poisonous combination. At the same time, I’m extremely insecure. I always need people to tell me how great I am. I need to surround myself with people who admire me and my creative spirit. I do sound like a bad person, don’t I? Life will punish me now. I won’t get VIP tickets to anything anymore, my cats will die, my whole family will die, I will get murdered and all my friends will burn in a fire. That’s my future. What would be worse: dying or everyone hating you? I feel like the latter would kill me inside. I want people to love me. Admire me. Envy me. Value me. But do I actually deserve it? How can someone love me when I’m such a nasty person? I’m trying to be a better person. I’m trying to be a person who deserves to be admired. I don’t think I currently deserve to be anything good. Then again, life is short so I shouldn’t punish myself. I want to be a good person. I’ll try my best to become the person I want to be from now on. I’ll try my best to fulfill my dreams. When you have a dream you should do anything possible to try and fulfill it. That’s what I’m going to do. I will work hard for the things I want. I have good friends and apparently I’m a good friend. Having friends is so important in life. They’re the people you can rely on no matter what.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Does fate exist?

If someone were to ask me: “What are you up to?” The first thing coming to my mind would be this: “I’m up to no good.” And the second – yet similarly honest – reply would be: “Breaking a guys heart, gossiping with my bestie, trying to get VIP tickets to the BAFTA’s, and wondering which London Fashion Show ticket to buy. The usual, you know?

The thing is, most people have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m living the dream. But is it my dream? Most of my friends think my life sounds like a movie and, to be honest, my life sounds like a movie I’d definitely want to watch. It would be very entertaining. Seeing me running around London, meeting celebrities, chilling in my castle, going to concerts, writing songs, celebrating the Chinese New Year in London with a guy who’s in love with me, breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me, ordering Chinese food with my bestie and talking about me breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me. Sounds like a good story, don’t you think? I feel like thousands of teen girls would want to watch the story of my current life if it was a TV series. Netflix, if you’re reading this please get in touch because I don’t think you’d want to miss out on this amazing story – no kidding. I’ve been thinking a lot about two things lately: my future and fate. I came to realise that most of my friends or even most people in the world will never have what I have now. They will have their own adventures, their own stories, their own experiences, but they’ll never experience the things that are happening to me right now. Some Chinese guy gave me a 10 pence coin for good luck yesterday. Frankly, I could need a lot of good luck right now. I wish all of my dreams came true. But if my life right now is the dream of most people, then what is MY dream? I know exactly what my dream is, but I’m simply too scared to say it out loud. No one knows what my dream is apart from me and I’m trying to ignore it, but deep down I know that I cannot ignore my destiny. My fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that lots of good things have happened to me, but, likewise, a few really bad things have happened to me. For instance, a terrible thing happened to me two months ago and I still remember my bestie telling me that I’ve earned a lot of good karma and that good things will happen to me in the future. He was right – partly. Some good things happened to me this month, but also some minor bad things. I just wish I could use my good karma to get everything I want. But that’s not how the world works. The world can be a cruel place sometimes. And then I walk through the streets of London and feel like everything’s great again because even a bad day in London is a thousand times better than a good day anywhere else. I know I can’t ignore my big dream any longer. But what if fulfilling my dream isn’t my fate? What if I end up being one of those grandmothers who tell their grandchildren about all the opportunities they’ve missed and everything they wanted to do when they were young, but now are too old for? Then again, who am I kidding? I won’t have any grandchildren. I’ll just have a bunch of cats and I’ll be the crazy cat lady who’s forever alone and couldn’t fulfill her dream. Sad story. Will I ever find the courage to openly tell people what my real dream is? Most people think the life I’m living now is my big dream, but it isn’t. To be fair, it is part of my big dream, but it’ll still take me many years to actually fulfill my dream – that is if it happens at all. I’m too scared to tell people about my dream or even to admit to myself that this is my dream because I don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out – and it most certainly won’t work out. I’m trying to save myself from getting disappointed, from being completely crushed, from rethinking my whole life. Then there’s this little voice in my head shouting “Oscars!” on repeat. An actress once said in her speech at the Oscars that she’s been practicing this speech with a hairbrush in her bathroom since she was a little girl and she’d never thought this moment would actually come. Do you think the little girl actually knew what her future was going to be like? Do you think she knew her fate? Or was it just a coincidence? Just because I didn’t practice my speech for the Oscars with a hairbrush in my bathroom when I was a little girl doesn’t mean that I’ll never win an Oscar. It is highly unlikely, but who knows, maybe with a little help from the universe it will actually happen. According to Aristotle, in order to reach eudaimonia (Greek for happiness) every men (or woman) has to make their biggest talent their occupation. Although, sometimes it’s hard to find out what your biggest talent is. Especially when you’re multi-talented like me. But maybe I should just give it a try and accept the risk of it turning out to be a complete failure. At least I won’t have to wonder what could’ve been if I had done the “scary” thing. There’s only one way to find out what’s going to happen if I actually try to fulfill my dream: I’ll just have to do it. I WILL DO IT. I will do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Embracing procrastination

I have to admit that I’m a serious procrastinator. If I got paid for procrastinating, I’d be a billionaire by now. Maybe in a parallel universe people actually get paid for procrastinating and watching Netflix all day and the hard-working productive people are sent to prison because they don’t care about the no-work-policy of this alternative universe. But I want to be honest with you: I only started writing this blog-post because – please don’t be surprised – I’m procrastinating right now. This is a serious problem and apparently, scientists have discovered that there actually is a procrastination-gene. Lucky me! I decided to embrace my procrastination-gene because watching a whole season of a TV-series in a day definitely is considered to be productive. In my world at least. I’m currently sitting in bed with my laptop writing this blog-post and listening to Franz Ferdinand – Take me out. One thing you should know about me by now is that I’m always listening to music. As long as there is music in the world, I couldn’t possibly be unhappy. Music is art and the existence of art is a reason to be happy. People who don’t like the art you create aren’t necessarily a reason to be unhappy. They simply are stupid. Unless you’re a really bad artist. But assuming you wrote a song/book/story/script/poem/etc. and 2 out of 20 people tell you they don’t like it, then there’s a high chance that the remaining 18 people, who think your piece of art is incredible, are right. You shouldn’t listen to those 2 people who try to bring you down. Listen to your heart. As long as you like what you’ve created, nothing else matters. And I like what I have created. I am going to make an even better piece of art with the help of some of my friends. Creating art instead of doing what you’re supposed to do certainly is being productive. I can only hope everything works out the way I want it to. I believe I can make it happen and as long as I’m confident enough, I can actually make it happen. And so can you! Be confident and always leave your room with a smile in the morning. Pretending to be happy actually makes you feel happier. I believe the universe has a reason for everything, but we sometimes can’t see what that reason is. In the end everything turns out well and if it doesn’t, it’s not the end.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

New resolutions

New Year – new me!

I’m having a hot chocolate with marshmallows whilst listening to Gorillaz – On Melancholy Hill at the moment. Life is good right now. I have a feeling 2017 is going to change my life forever. 2016 was really life-changing, but I think 2017 can outdo 2016. I want to focus on my career from now on. The subjects I’m currently studying might be interesting and they certainly impress anyone I’m telling what my course is about, but is this really what I want to do with my life? I definitely don’t want to become a teacher. I want to be someone important. Someone who inspires people. Someone who makes a difference. I want to create art. I have finally found people who understand me. People who actually create art. People who study the course I wanted to study. Then again, I’m not even sure if I had enjoyed studying it that much. You don’t have to study art to be an artist. No one can teach you how to be a good artist, film-maker, actor/actress, singer, musician etc. They can only teach you how to master the craft, but no one in the world can teach you how to be talented. Talent is something only a few special people have. It can be increased with the right education, but talent is something you’re born with or not. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a multi-talented human being who chose to hide her talent. I’m a singer, songwriter, actress, musician, writer, dancer, and artist, but no one knows I’m all of these things. I chose to stay in the dark. I’m not good at performing in front of people. I mean, I’m good at acting and I love being in front of the camera, but acting is following a script and making it your own piece of art. Singing my own songs or letting people read the books and stories I’ve written is something completely different. It’s something personal, which I prefer not sharing with anyone. Apart from some special people. I’ve come to realise that I shouldn’t hide my talents. Hiding your talents is wasting them and why would you choose to HIDE something you’re gifted with??? From now on – I swear by my life – I will stop hiding my talents and instead try my best to use them to get the career I want. 2017 will be good. Even greater than 2016! I am very determined. I have good friends. People who value my opinion and care about me as a person. People who think I’m good at creating art. People I don’t want to miss in my life. Ever.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Disconnected.

I don’t have wifi so I have no idea when you’ll be able to read this blog-post. If you’re reading this, it means that my wifi is back or that I’ve found another way to upload this. To be honest, I don’t know what to say. I might have a crush on my Italian friend now… But maybe I’m imagining things. I get at least two new crushes per week. My last three crushes aren’t even crushes any longer. Forget about eyebrow-guy (who hasn’t even replied to my message yet), NGND and all of the others. I should just stay friends with them and not take it any further. If there’s a guy I really like and who likes me back, then I might consider being in a relationship with him. It seems like I’m obsessed with this topic lately. But now I’ve found something productive to do (which doesn’t involve doing course work or studying for my exams): writing.

Not only writing blog-posts, but short-stories and transforming these short-stories into scripts and making films out of the scripts. That’s what film-making is all about: passion for the subject and original ideas. You need both to be successful, but you also need talented actors, a good camera-man, editors, and a marvelous director. Who knows? Maybe you’ll see one of my films on screen one day. Never say never. I have so many ideas it’s insane! Film-making as well as acting and writing songs/scripts/stories/etc. is my passion. I couldn’t live without films and music. Then again, I couldn’t live without chocolate and pizza, but that’s another topic.

I’ll focus on my work from now on. I want to be productive in a way. I want to change the world. Make it a better place. Make people feel something when they watch my films or listen to my songs. I’m sure one day I’ll find someone who loves my art as much as I do. But what is art? It’s a way of expressing yourself. Your emotions. Your soul. Art = Life. I think I might’ve found that person already… He just sent me a good morning message. How much I missed getting good morning messages from a guy that really cares about me! I’ll keep you updated! No more excuses now that I’m finally re-connected ;D.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Chocolate, films and stolen kisses

Last night was magical.

I was really happy because I made plans with film-guy and my bestie came over at around 11pm so I told him about film-guy. But instead of being happy for me, he got jealous and said that film-guy sounds like he’s gay (now I’m worried that he really is gay because he’s too nice to be straight). Then again, my bestie is straight and he’s really nice and funny as well. I get along with the best friend kind of guy. Suitor number 1 isn’t like that. He doesn’t even wanna see me any longer so why shouldn’t I start looking for a new person to fall in love with? I wasn’t even in love with SN1. I have to admit that I had a crush on my bestie at some point. I’m just not sure if he’s the right guy for me. He seems to be the only person who can read me like a book. He always knows what I’m thinking and when I’m lying. No one else knows that. Maybe I should’ve let him kiss me last night… He was trying very hard. But I told him it wasn’t the right moment so he just gave me a kiss on the cheek, forehead and hand. He told me that he wanted to date me from the first moment he saw me, which made me feel happy, but now I’m worried that he’s expecting us to date. I haven’t talked to him since last night and tonight I’m having a film-date with film-guy. I don’t even know if it’s a real date. It’s definitely not a date if he turns out to be gay… It seems like my gay-radar is broken. But why else would he want to see me every day for the next week to watch all of the Harry Potter films with me???

This morning was one of the best mornings in ages.

I had a nice relaxing bath in my castle and ate freshly made mousse au chocolate in bed whilst watching a TV-series. Now I’m cuddled up in bed, enjoying the rain outside, and listening to Cage The Elephant. By the way, remember that I wanted to form a band? I found a guitarist, a bassist and a vocalist and I’m a singer and pianist so I basically have my band. We haven’t met up yet, but we will soon. Then we can jam together, write songs and cool music stuff like that. I’ve always wanted to be part of a rock-band and now I have my own. This only proves that you shouldn’t let your dreams be dreams. MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. That’s what I’m trying to do. Embrace every single opportunity! If I hadn’t agreed to take part in the quiz show, I never would’ve met film-guy. If I hadn’t tried to find band-members, I never would’ve formed a real band. If you really want something in life then try your very best to achieve it! I’m sure you will succeed if you try. And even if you fail, you can still say that you’ve tried and that’s the best you can do.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

 

The great return of the slut-gang

I’m running out of time AND battery. I don’t know what’s worse. Battery probably because it’s impossible for me to charge my laptop right now. It’s a looong story and by that I mean for god’s sake PLEASE DO NOT ASK. I won’t tell you. But there’s something else I’m gonna tell you instead: Remember SN1’s slut gang? If not, you should probably read my “Bonfire sluts..” blog-post before you read this one because that’ll explain everything. Anyways, the leader of the slut gang broke up with her boyfriend so that she can be with my boyfriend which resulted in me wanting to kill her and my boyfriend getting drunk and feeling bad because he was the reason they broke up. To be honest, that is a reason why I should break up with SN1. All of my friends ship me and my bestie anyways, but the problem is that my bestie doesn’t even know what happened because he’s too busy spending time with one of his best mates. It’s complicated. As usual. And I’m sorry but it’s getting even more complicated in a minute, but I’ll try to keep it short:

Basically, SN1 and I have been dating for a while so he is assuming that I am his girlfriend, BUT he technically doesn’t have the right to call me his girlfriend because A) He’s never asked me to be his girlfriend and B) He’s a horrible boyfriend even though he’s not even my boyfriend, but he thinks he’s my boyfriend and I’m completely lost and I don’t know what to think anymore. At some point, I thought I had feelings for my bestie, but he’s not boyfriend material because A) He’s not willing to commit and B) He always does his own thing. That’s probably the only good thing about SN1: He’s willing to commit and easy to manipulate. I told him to stop hanging out with the sluts, ignore them completely, stop drinking, get his f*cking life together and make new friends. I don’t think he will follow my advice though. If he doesn’t, it only proves that he’s no boyfriend-material anyways. I don’t want a guy who hangs out with a bunch of sluts. I value myself too much to do something like that. I even offered to help him make friends since I’m the popular one who gets on with pretty much everyone. I meet up to 15 new people a day and they naturally love me. Yet, I don’t have many real friends because making sure that you can trust someone and count on them is a lot of effort and I don’t trust many people. No one of my friends knows about this blog for instance. If they did, I’d probably be dead so let’s hope that they’ll never find out. Especially not SN1. Or my bestie. Or the fuckboy who’s stalking me but maybe he already knows about this blog since he’s stalking me. If you’re reading this: STOP ASKING ME OUT. The answer is no. ALWAYS.

I hope tomorrow will be better (and that I can finally charge my laptop and phone). Karma is a bitch sometimes. But no one is messing with me for I am the one and only princess bitch.  And no one is allowed to mess with my readers either! NO ONE.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

New Start – New Me

I’m gonna form a band. It may sound crazy, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and now I finally want to try and find people to actually do it. I’m a singer. Songwriter. Pianist. A friend told me not to waste my talent because I’m too shy to perform in front of people, but now I feel like I could do it. I just need to find some awesome band members, but that should be easy in a city as great as London. A city full of aspiring, young artists.

Right now I’m listening to Cage The Elephant – Cigarette Daydreams. Such a good song! I don’t know why, but I immediately feel better whenever I listen to it. Music is so important in my life. I couldn’t live without it. Having my own band would be a dream come true and if you want your dreams to come true, you have to MAKE them come true. So that is exactly what I’m trying to do from now on. Live my life to the fullest. Don’t waste a second. Do what I want (as long as I don’t hurt anyone).

This weekend will be awesome because I’ll simply make it awesome. I’m really optimistic right now and I have no idea what happened because I was really upset yesterday. I realised that being upset doesn’t change a thing so instead I try to be happy and enjoy life. And so should you! Do something you’ve always wanted to do! That’s the best way to feel alive. I can’t wait for tomorrow, but first of all, I have to live tonight…

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo