Does fate exist?

If someone were to ask me: “What are you up to?” The first thing coming to my mind would be this: “I’m up to no good.” And the second – yet similarly honest – reply would be: “Breaking a guys heart, gossiping with my bestie, trying to get VIP tickets to the BAFTA’s, and wondering which London Fashion Show ticket to buy. The usual, you know?

The thing is, most people have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m living the dream. But is it my dream? Most of my friends think my life sounds like a movie and, to be honest, my life sounds like a movie I’d definitely want to watch. It would be very entertaining. Seeing me running around London, meeting celebrities, chilling in my castle, going to concerts, writing songs, celebrating the Chinese New Year in London with a guy who’s in love with me, breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me, ordering Chinese food with my bestie and talking about me breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me. Sounds like a good story, don’t you think? I feel like thousands of teen girls would want to watch the story of my current life if it was a TV series. Netflix, if you’re reading this please get in touch because I don’t think you’d want to miss out on this amazing story – no kidding. I’ve been thinking a lot about two things lately: my future and fate. I came to realise that most of my friends or even most people in the world will never have what I have now. They will have their own adventures, their own stories, their own experiences, but they’ll never experience the things that are happening to me right now. Some Chinese guy gave me a 10 pence coin for good luck yesterday. Frankly, I could need a lot of good luck right now. I wish all of my dreams came true. But if my life right now is the dream of most people, then what is MY dream? I know exactly what my dream is, but I’m simply too scared to say it out loud. No one knows what my dream is apart from me and I’m trying to ignore it, but deep down I know that I cannot ignore my destiny. My fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that lots of good things have happened to me, but, likewise, a few really bad things have happened to me. For instance, a terrible thing happened to me two months ago and I still remember my bestie telling me that I’ve earned a lot of good karma and that good things will happen to me in the future. He was right – partly. Some good things happened to me this month, but also some minor bad things. I just wish I could use my good karma to get everything I want. But that’s not how the world works. The world can be a cruel place sometimes. And then I walk through the streets of London and feel like everything’s great again because even a bad day in London is a thousand times better than a good day anywhere else. I know I can’t ignore my big dream any longer. But what if fulfilling my dream isn’t my fate? What if I end up being one of those grandmothers who tell their grandchildren about all the opportunities they’ve missed and everything they wanted to do when they were young, but now are too old for? Then again, who am I kidding? I won’t have any grandchildren. I’ll just have a bunch of cats and I’ll be the crazy cat lady who’s forever alone and couldn’t fulfill her dream. Sad story. Will I ever find the courage to openly tell people what my real dream is? Most people think the life I’m living now is my big dream, but it isn’t. To be fair, it is part of my big dream, but it’ll still take me many years to actually fulfill my dream – that is if it happens at all. I’m too scared to tell people about my dream or even to admit to myself that this is my dream because I don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out – and it most certainly won’t work out. I’m trying to save myself from getting disappointed, from being completely crushed, from rethinking my whole life. Then there’s this little voice in my head shouting “Oscars!” on repeat. An actress once said in her speech at the Oscars that she’s been practicing this speech with a hairbrush in her bathroom since she was a little girl and she’d never thought this moment would actually come. Do you think the little girl actually knew what her future was going to be like? Do you think she knew her fate? Or was it just a coincidence? Just because I didn’t practice my speech for the Oscars with a hairbrush in my bathroom when I was a little girl doesn’t mean that I’ll never win an Oscar. It is highly unlikely, but who knows, maybe with a little help from the universe it will actually happen. According to Aristotle, in order to reach eudaimonia (Greek for happiness) every men (or woman) has to make their biggest talent their occupation. Although, sometimes it’s hard to find out what your biggest talent is. Especially when you’re multi-talented like me. But maybe I should just give it a try and accept the risk of it turning out to be a complete failure. At least I won’t have to wonder what could’ve been if I had done the “scary” thing. There’s only one way to find out what’s going to happen if I actually try to fulfill my dream: I’ll just have to do it. I WILL DO IT. I will do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

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Magic in London

London is my favourite city in the world. There’s something magical about London. Walking around London at night is one of the most amazing things ever. Especially when you meet celebrities. But seeing the river Thames and all of the city lights at night is very beautiful. I believe anything is possible in London. Just being in London automatically makes me feel more confident. I feel happy, free and brave. I feel like i can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. I mean, people can try, but they’ll fail. The mere fact that a place like London exists is a reason to be happy. I never want to leave London. It always makes me wanna scream “Hello world, this is me and no one can stop me!”.  Driving through London and listening to “Elenore – The Turtles” is perfect. There are so many things you can do in London. So many opportunities that are waiting for you to take them.

I have a feeling that tomorrow is gonna be a good day. I’ll simply make it a good day. I’m gonna curl my hair and dress up nicely and be happy and enjoy every minute of it. I don’t even know why I’m so happy right now, but I just am. I’m gonna try my best to figure out what I really want and once I’ve done that, it’ll be easy to make a plan to reach my goal. But often the one thing you seem to want turns out to be the thing you can’t get. London has taught me one thing: never give up. I certainly will never give up. I’ll fight for the things I want. I know this is a short blog-post, but that’s all I wanted to say.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Embracing procrastination

I have to admit that I’m a serious procrastinator. If I got paid for procrastinating, I’d be a billionaire by now. Maybe in a parallel universe people actually get paid for procrastinating and watching Netflix all day and the hard-working productive people are sent to prison because they don’t care about the no-work-policy of this alternative universe. But I want to be honest with you: I only started writing this blog-post because – please don’t be surprised – I’m procrastinating right now. This is a serious problem and apparently, scientists have discovered that there actually is a procrastination-gene. Lucky me! I decided to embrace my procrastination-gene because watching a whole season of a TV-series in a day definitely is considered to be productive. In my world at least. I’m currently sitting in bed with my laptop writing this blog-post and listening to Franz Ferdinand – Take me out. One thing you should know about me by now is that I’m always listening to music. As long as there is music in the world, I couldn’t possibly be unhappy. Music is art and the existence of art is a reason to be happy. People who don’t like the art you create aren’t necessarily a reason to be unhappy. They simply are stupid. Unless you’re a really bad artist. But assuming you wrote a song/book/story/script/poem/etc. and 2 out of 20 people tell you they don’t like it, then there’s a high chance that the remaining 18 people, who think your piece of art is incredible, are right. You shouldn’t listen to those 2 people who try to bring you down. Listen to your heart. As long as you like what you’ve created, nothing else matters. And I like what I have created. I am going to make an even better piece of art with the help of some of my friends. Creating art instead of doing what you’re supposed to do certainly is being productive. I can only hope everything works out the way I want it to. I believe I can make it happen and as long as I’m confident enough, I can actually make it happen. And so can you! Be confident and always leave your room with a smile in the morning. Pretending to be happy actually makes you feel happier. I believe the universe has a reason for everything, but we sometimes can’t see what that reason is. In the end everything turns out well and if it doesn’t, it’s not the end.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

New resolutions

New Year – new me!

I’m having a hot chocolate with marshmallows whilst listening to Gorillaz – On Melancholy Hill at the moment. Life is good right now. I have a feeling 2017 is going to change my life forever. 2016 was really life-changing, but I think 2017 can outdo 2016. I want to focus on my career from now on. The subjects I’m currently studying might be interesting and they certainly impress anyone I’m telling what my course is about, but is this really what I want to do with my life? I definitely don’t want to become a teacher. I want to be someone important. Someone who inspires people. Someone who makes a difference. I want to create art. I have finally found people who understand me. People who actually create art. People who study the course I wanted to study. Then again, I’m not even sure if I had enjoyed studying it that much. You don’t have to study art to be an artist. No one can teach you how to be a good artist, film-maker, actor/actress, singer, musician etc. They can only teach you how to master the craft, but no one in the world can teach you how to be talented. Talent is something only a few special people have. It can be increased with the right education, but talent is something you’re born with or not. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a multi-talented human being who chose to hide her talent. I’m a singer, songwriter, actress, musician, writer, dancer, and artist, but no one knows I’m all of these things. I chose to stay in the dark. I’m not good at performing in front of people. I mean, I’m good at acting and I love being in front of the camera, but acting is following a script and making it your own piece of art. Singing my own songs or letting people read the books and stories I’ve written is something completely different. It’s something personal, which I prefer not sharing with anyone. Apart from some special people. I’ve come to realise that I shouldn’t hide my talents. Hiding your talents is wasting them and why would you choose to HIDE something you’re gifted with??? From now on – I swear by my life – I will stop hiding my talents and instead try my best to use them to get the career I want. 2017 will be good. Even greater than 2016! I am very determined. I have good friends. People who value my opinion and care about me as a person. People who think I’m good at creating art. People I don’t want to miss in my life. Ever.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

Melancholy calls…

I feel strange. I mean technically, I always feel strange, but that’s just me.

He wanted to see me. But I didn’t want to see him.

He wanted to spend time with me. But I didn’t want to spend time with him.

I know that one day I’ll want to see him and he won’t want to see me any longer. I miss him right now…

Maybe that’s just because I’m listening to melancholic piano music. I should stop doing that immediately. I know my blog-posts suck lately, but there’s not much I’d want to write about. Sometimes I want to be with him and sometimes I don’t. Perhaps it’s because he’s too clingy, but being too clingy can be cute. I wish my life was a dream. I could do whatever I want. Be happy 24/7. Sometimes I wish I could do something with him just the two of us, but then I get scared and cancel all of our plans. Why do I keep doing this? I like him and he likes me. Why am I making things more complicated than they really are??? To be honest, I’m mean, self-absorbed, narcissistic and cunning. He’s the sweetest guy ever and I can’t deal with sweetness. Too much sweetness can suffocate me.

I SHOULD FOCUS ON MY WORK.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to STOP PROCRASTINATING. Didn’t quite work out yet… I swear I’ll be productive this week! I’ll work out at least 15 minutes a day and I’ll study at least 45 minutes a day from now on. And I’ll try to be a nicer person. I should stop being an evil bitch sometimes. I don’t wanna be the villain in my story. Or in his story. I wanna be the princess. Not the princess bitch.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo

ATTENTION SEEKER

I wanted attention. However, now that I have it, I don’t want it any longer. But I know if I stopped getting the attention I get now, I’d want to get it again and then I’d be sad and end up questioning my whole existence at 3 o’clock in the morning.

I’m not the typical attention seeker since I’m quite shy around people I don’t know well. But I’m definitely an extrovert. I’m an extrovert who sometimes has a break though. Like when I’m in a group of good friends, it’s hard to make me stop talking since I really love to talk – especially about c’est moi. I’m a singer, pianist and songwriter who’s scared of performing. I can’t even perform in front of my own mother. I completely embarrassed myself today when the guy I like wanted to go to the music room with me and I couldn’t play a single piano piece. The problem is that the minute I know someone’s watching me or listening to my music, I totally freak out and forget everything I know about music, pianos and the world. Especially when I’m with a person I genuinely care about. However, when it’s just me and my piano, everything’s different. My recordings prove that. Even though I’m way better in real life. He was really looking forward to seeing me perform and I was a complete disappointment. I mean, he’s head over heels for me so he kept telling me that I’m a pretty good pianist, singer etc., but I know I could’ve done better. Next time 😛

Why are feelings so complicated? I’ve always wanted to find a guy who genuinely cares about me, gives me little presents, is polite, funny, friendly, a true sweetheart, creative, interesting and smart and now that I’ve found him, I don’t know what to do with him. What would I do with him if we were in a relationship? Place him on my windowsill and water him twice a day? I feel like I’m a relationship-autist. Or maybe I’m a hunter. Now that I’ve hunted him down, I don’t want him any longer. That’s not how it works though. He’s a really good guy. A really really good guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him. Most of my friends would be lucky to have him. Why don’t I want him then? What’s stopping me? Nothing. Maybe I should really give him a chance. He definitely deserves it.

Don’t forget,

I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo