If someone were to ask me: “What are you up to?” The first thing coming to my mind would be this: “I’m up to no good.” And the second – yet similarly honest – reply would be: “Breaking a guys heart, gossiping with my bestie, trying to get VIP tickets to the BAFTA’s, and wondering which London Fashion Show ticket to buy. The usual, you know?”
The thing is, most people have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m living the dream. But is it my dream? Most of my friends think my life sounds like a movie and, to be honest, my life sounds like a movie I’d definitely want to watch. It would be very entertaining. Seeing me running around London, meeting celebrities, chilling in my castle, going to concerts, writing songs, celebrating the Chinese New Year in London with a guy who’s in love with me, breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me, ordering Chinese food with my bestie and talking about me breaking the heart of the guy who’s in love with me. Sounds like a good story, don’t you think? I feel like thousands of teen girls would want to watch the story of my current life if it was a TV series. Netflix, if you’re reading this please get in touch because I don’t think you’d want to miss out on this amazing story – no kidding. I’ve been thinking a lot about two things lately: my future and fate. I came to realise that most of my friends or even most people in the world will never have what I have now. They will have their own adventures, their own stories, their own experiences, but they’ll never experience the things that are happening to me right now. Some Chinese guy gave me a 10 pence coin for good luck yesterday. Frankly, I could need a lot of good luck right now. I wish all of my dreams came true. But if my life right now is the dream of most people, then what is MY dream? I know exactly what my dream is, but I’m simply too scared to say it out loud. No one knows what my dream is apart from me and I’m trying to ignore it, but deep down I know that I cannot ignore my destiny. My fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that lots of good things have happened to me, but, likewise, a few really bad things have happened to me. For instance, a terrible thing happened to me two months ago and I still remember my bestie telling me that I’ve earned a lot of good karma and that good things will happen to me in the future. He was right – partly. Some good things happened to me this month, but also some minor bad things. I just wish I could use my good karma to get everything I want. But that’s not how the world works. The world can be a cruel place sometimes. And then I walk through the streets of London and feel like everything’s great again because even a bad day in London is a thousand times better than a good day anywhere else. I know I can’t ignore my big dream any longer. But what if fulfilling my dream isn’t my fate? What if I end up being one of those grandmothers who tell their grandchildren about all the opportunities they’ve missed and everything they wanted to do when they were young, but now are too old for? Then again, who am I kidding? I won’t have any grandchildren. I’ll just have a bunch of cats and I’ll be the crazy cat lady who’s forever alone and couldn’t fulfill her dream. Sad story. Will I ever find the courage to openly tell people what my real dream is? Most people think the life I’m living now is my big dream, but it isn’t. To be fair, it is part of my big dream, but it’ll still take me many years to actually fulfill my dream – that is if it happens at all. I’m too scared to tell people about my dream or even to admit to myself that this is my dream because I don’t want to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out – and it most certainly won’t work out. I’m trying to save myself from getting disappointed, from being completely crushed, from rethinking my whole life. Then there’s this little voice in my head shouting “Oscars!” on repeat. An actress once said in her speech at the Oscars that she’s been practicing this speech with a hairbrush in her bathroom since she was a little girl and she’d never thought this moment would actually come. Do you think the little girl actually knew what her future was going to be like? Do you think she knew her fate? Or was it just a coincidence? Just because I didn’t practice my speech for the Oscars with a hairbrush in my bathroom when I was a little girl doesn’t mean that I’ll never win an Oscar. It is highly unlikely, but who knows, maybe with a little help from the universe it will actually happen. According to Aristotle, in order to reach eudaimonia (Greek for happiness) every men (or woman) has to make their biggest talent their occupation. Although, sometimes it’s hard to find out what your biggest talent is. Especially when you’re multi-talented like me. But maybe I should just give it a try and accept the risk of it turning out to be a complete failure. At least I won’t have to wonder what could’ve been if I had done the “scary” thing. There’s only one way to find out what’s going to happen if I actually try to fulfill my dream: I’ll just have to do it. I WILL DO IT. I will do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards.
I’m the girl who knows it all. xoxo